Commitmentphobia

Years ago, when I expressed a disinterest in having a derby wife, a teammate called me a commitmentphobe. At the time, I thought, "Wha?" Because it just didn't ring true to me.

A year or so later I got a derby wife (kind of by accident on my part), and I often say I have the best derby wife in all of derbydom (because I do).

Every now and then I think about the term "commitmentphobe" and whether or not it really is an accurate assessment of me. (My answer has always been, "I don't think so.")

I freely admit that I have no desire to ever own a house or get married.

I like that renting means a lot of headaches (insurance, taxes, fixing things like plumbing problems, etc.) belong to someone else, not me. I like that if I decide to move (for a new job, for some kind of major life change), it's a lot easier to stop renting one apartment and start renting another; it's not usually so easy with a house. But I spent 9 years in my first apartment, and I'm coming up on 3 in this one.

I have no problem devoting my time, my energy, my finances, and my heart to people I care about (as evidenced by the way I interact with friends, family, and past relationships).

I just don't like institutionalized commitments. I don't like the appearance that I am committing to something because I have to. Every commitment I make is a conscious, continuous choice. I live in this apartment, because I want to, not because I'm stuck here. If I were involved in a romantic relationship, it would be because I actively chose to be, not because of a ring or a piece of paper binding me.

I was writing an email the other day making a plan and almost wrote, "I will definitely be there," but I couldn't. Because I kept thinking, "well, unless we get a freak blizzard" or "as long as my car doesn't break down" or "barring alien abduction" or "unless I develop a sudden severe allergic reaction to the banana I'm eating for breakfast."

I always keep my promises. ALWAYS. Which is why I rarely make them, and why I am really particular about them when I do. Because it feels like lying to make a promise I can't or won't or don't keep.

It feels like lying to say, "I will definitely be there," without adding all the possible things that could keep me from showing up, no matter how unlikely those things might be.

Maybe I pay too much attention to details. But, it's the details that matter.

I try to live my life honestly and actively. I try to be dependable. I keep my promises. I don't make major life decisions lightly, but I do stick with the choices I make (at least until I choose something different). I still don't know if that constitutes commitmentphobia, but if it does, I'm okay with that.