Shame and judgment (and maybe a little empathy)

I have read and loved several books by Michael Chabon. I looked him up to find out more about him and what other books he's written, and I learned that his wife is also a writer (and she has a cool first name). Turns out, his wife is known for having written an essay in which she said she loved her husband more than her children. People freaked out about it, as if their self-righteous indignation should mean something. As if being accusatory and judgmental would change something. Like being publicly attacked and threatened would make her suddenly say, "Oh, yes, you're right. How could I have been so mistaken about my own feelings?"

If there is one thing I have learned (over and over again) -- the hard way -- it's that people can't control their feelings. Sure, there are anger management classes and meditation practices and psychotherapy (not to mention drugs), but those are about dealing with feelings, not controlling them. I vividly remember sitting in my shrink's office shortly after my mom died, talking about how I wanted to think my way out of my grief. Because my rational brain could handle it all more than my squishy little heart. She looked at me and said, "You just have to feel it." And she was right. I hated it (hate it still) but it's true. All any of us can do is feel our feelings and do the best we can with them.

Ayelet Waldman's feelings may be unpopular (which I suspect has more to do with shame on the part of people who secretly feel the same way she does than anything else), but they're her feelings. What gives any of us the right to judge her?

A friend once told me I was the least judgmental person she knew. My former boss used to say I was really good at assuming people's best intentions. I like to think both are true (because I work hard at it), but I still catch myself judging people rather harshly from time to time.

Recently, I was on a train to New York City. There was a girl on the train dressed in a very skimpy Wonder Woman outfit. The people I was traveling with snickered and made comments. My initial reaction was similar to theirs, but then I thought about it some more. I figured there are probably people who have had similar reactions to me when I've worn my tutus in public (and not so public) places. My tutus don't hurt anyone, and even at my most judgmental, I do not have a malicious bone in my body. So why be hostile about my whimsical choice of clothing? Why judge this girl on the train about hers? I mean, if she actually thought she was Wonder Woman, that might be reason for concern (and for calling a mental health professional). Otherwise, who cares?

I have a couple of friends who have said some pretty harsh things about people who read certain books, particularly super fans of them. I may not like the things they read, may not understand their obsessions, but how are the things I like and obsess about any better?

I saw a picture of a tattoo somewhere that read "More joy, less shame." I liked it a lot, even though I don't tend to experience a lot of shame. (Guilt? Yes. Truckloads of it. And a fair bit of worry, too. But not much in the way of shame.) But isn't judgment all about shaming other people?

So, when I catch myself getting judgmental, I try to remind myself that we all like different things. Not only is that okay, it's one of the things that makes the world (and the people in it) interesting. We're all just feeling our feelings and doing the best we can with them.

36

I was looking back at the post I made just before I turned 35 that listed all the awesome things I did in my 35th year. ...The year that ended with my grandma's death two days before my birthday.

My 36th year was much more complicated (because I was still newly grieving my grandma when my dad died), but I still did a lot of fun and awesome things that I never collected in a list. I'm a little more than halfway through my 37th year now, so I feel like I should go back and make the list for the 36th:

• I celebrated my actual birthday in New York City with my sisters, brother-in-law, and friend Daniel
• I got to finally go to Strand Bookstore and eat at Veselka and had a great mini cake from Black Hound Bakery just before they closed their shop

•  Reffed my 100th game on skates (and was presented with an amazing cake made by my friend You++)
• Saw bands I love (Taking Back Sunday, Fall Out Boy, Paramore, Scott Bradlee & Postmodern Jukebox)
• Had lovely visits with good friends, including old friends I haven't seen in much too long
• Explored some roadside attractions
• Completed the Urban Raid, Color Me Rad, Beach Raid, and Insane Inflatables 5Ks
• Drove hours to meet a couple of friends at the geographical midpoint between our residences and played a bunch of ski ball (and discovered I am not as good as I used to be)
• Spent hours watching movies of video games on YouTube...and actually enjoyed them tremendously
• Finally went to Acadia National Park
• Discovered the fancy new recliners at the local movie theater with my sisters
• Took my sisters to Moody's Diner
• Got to visit a real live topiary (even if it was starting to die a bit)
• Saw SO MANY PUMPKINS
• Got to dance to What Cheer? Brigade on Peaks Island again
• Climbed around at Monkey C Monkey Do again (let's forget the part where I fell off the element and dangled by my safety line, shall we?)
• WENT TO ICELAND!!!!!
• Saw so many bands in Iceland
• Got paid to write creative stuff for the first time ever (even if it was just a small amount of contract work)
• Got the award for Most Valuable Official - Ref at the MRD Christmas party
• Visited the prison showroom, which is an adventure all on its own
• Painted a picture I really like (and had fun doing it)
• Participated in a live sing-along show of Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog, which was just as amazing as it sounds (and worth driving in a blizzard to get there)
• Officiated a lot of derby (on and off skates) 
• Wrote a bit and even started querying agents
• Started a really, truly healthy meal and fitness program (which led to me losing about 20 pounds, getting in the best shape of my life, and receiving the best lab report I've ever had on my bloodwork)
• Mailed (and received) so many strange and whimsical things as part of my postal ninjery campaign

I ended my 36th year with a relatively simple celebration that included foot soaking and tea with good friends, Indian food (mmmm) for lunch, a trip to an art gallery, a trip to a gluten-free bakery, a trip to a bookstore, bouncing on trampolines, my first-ever PiYo class, dinner with more friends, AMAZING cake, and a slumber party followed by getting a memorial tattoo for my dad the next morning.

I'm a little more than halfway to 37 and while the last six months haven't been without their challenges (and heartbreaks), there have also been lots of incredible adventures. Looking forward to rounding out the list and posting it at the end of the year.

(And thank goodness for my color-coded Google calendar with nearly EVERYTHING in it...).