"If I get it all down on paper / it's no longer inside of me / threatening the life it belongs to"

- Anna Nalick, "Breathe (2 a.m.)"

Have you ever been so tired that when you wake up your eyes actually hurt? It's something I deal with all the time, having been an insomniac, literally, since I was born. This morning, I got up and my eyes were so sore that I had to keep squinting.

See, I'd gone to bed late (even though I'd planned to go to bed on time) -- I was, in fact, on my way to bed when I got sidetracked by the computer. Out of nowhere, I sat down and started writing a scene I hadn't planned or even thought about. And then this morning -- even though I NEVER write when I first get up -- I added another half scene to it.

I sent these rough drafts to my writing partner, Em. She wrote back later today: "By the way, I am reading and commenting on this scene from the dentist's chair. No shit! I couldn't wait!"

And I owe her not just because she was reading/commenting IN THE DENTIST'S CHAIR. I owe her because all this writing I've been doing is because she gave me the thing I've been lacking for months and months and months: Accountability.

See, I'm a hard worker, but I'm also entropic. I lack discipline. If I don't have someone who is depending on me to do what I need to do, I end up binging on reruns of tv shows I never watched on Netflix or making my way through the shelves of unread books in my library or napping. I think about writing; I fantasize about how my life could be different if I wrote more, if I had the time to devote to writing, if I didn't have to worry about paying my bills. But for all my good intentions, I blow through every deadline I set for myself.

Em and I talked about this recently and we agreed that I will send her stuff on the 1st and 15th of every month. My first submission was earlier this week. I wasn't feeling very inspired, but I knew I had to get some writing to Em. So I did it. And, somehow, that unblocked all this stuff that I didn't even know was waiting to be written. Waiting on me.

That story isn't going to unfuck itself.

Once again, realizing that I have to learn every major life lesson about a gazillion times before it sinks in. Accountability: It's an amazing thing. And I'm glad I have a friend who loves me (and my book) enough to do this for me.

Sometimes being a Pisces sucks

I’ve started watching Battlestar Galactica, because so many people have so often told me I should. The religious stuff makes me twitchy, but I’m sticking with it for now. In the episodes I just watched, Number Six and Gaius are talking about going to pyramid ball games: “And then let the emotion of the crowd flood over me. Waves and waves of it. Like electric current.”

They said this like it was a good thing.

I have this experience all the time, but I hate it. The waves of emotion make me feel like I’m drowning. The electric current burns and shocks, just like when I stuck that key in the outlet in the downstairs bathroom when I was 3ish or 4ish or how ever old I was.

The thing is, I don’t just need to go to a sports stadium to feel like that. Surround me with more than a handful of people, and it starts happening. There’s all this emotion I don’t know how to process and then my own emotions get lost somewhere in the mix of it all and I don’t know how to deal with it and I usually end up confused and angry and crying.

In the last eight years or so, I’ve learned that certain tricks work. If I can sit in a corner with a book, I can pretend that I’m all by myself, lost in the world of the story. (Which is why this album exists.) If I have something I have to do – any kind of job or responsibility – I can focus on the task at hand and forget the people around me who aren’t directly involved in the job I have to do. If I can’t do either of those things, I find a buddy. As long as there is SOMEONE that I know that I can talk to, it’s like suddenly the waves become ripples and the electric current is more like a static shock you get walking across the room and it’s all manageable (as long as that person is not in the middle of an intense emotional experience - then all bets are off).

I’ve known for months that I would be attending a wedding where I wouldn’t know any other guests and that was on the same date that most of my friends were going to be busy. I asked pretty much everyone whose company I knew I could stand for more than a couple hours if they’d be willing to go with me. (Not as a “date” or an “escort” because there are way too many connotations attached to those words – I just needed a buddy, someone to hang out with me and distract me from the waves and electric current sure to be swirling around.) It’s not easy having to beg your friends to hang out with you (although I did receive replies from two friends – one in Colorado and one in New York – that were very sweet assurances that if they weren’t otherwise engaged, they would actually have traveled THAT FAR for me; it's pretty amazing having people who will do that for you in your life). In the end, I’m going to be on my own.

I’ve warned the friend who’s getting married that I might have to leave early. The people and the emotions might just be too much for me. But, maybe I need to try to see it from Number Six’s point of view. Maybe the waves and electricity can be a good thing when you get past the fear of feeling things you don’t understand. Maybe you just have to feel it and accept that. At least, I think this is the game plan I’m going to adopt. Let’s see if it works….

I think I want to be an eck

If you don't know what an eck is, you should read There is No Dog by Meg Rosoff. I'm only about 3/4 of the way through the book (which is why I only *think* I want to be an eck -- I can't say for sure until I know what happens to him), but here's why I want to be one:

"Estelle talked to him as they strolled, not always about things he understood. But her voice seemed to enclose him in a warm place full of light, and he felt safe."

I want to stroll with Estelle and let her voice enclose me in a warm place full of light, where I feel safe. 

"If it's time to go, remember what you're leaving. Remember the best. My friends have always been the best of me."

- Doctor Who*

The vast majority of January and February this year were not particularly fun for me. But then I had a triumphant birthday and the vast majority of March was pretty damn awesome. Until about the middle of this past week.

You used to be able to tell when things got really bad at my old job, because I would announce, "I hate my job. I hate my life. I'm going to go live in a cave."

It's been a long time since I've felt all of those things simultaneously, but I was feeling all of those things PLUS A LOT MORE for the last severalish days. I stayed inside all day yesterday. Today, after running some errands, I went to finally do the laundry that I've been putting off. Except, I walked into the Laundromat and there wasn't a single free washer. And I almost started crying. Seriously. (I took this as a sign that I needed to a. go home and b. finish watching the most recent episodes of Doctor Who on Netflix because I clearly needed to be way far away from people.)

And then I got a text from Emer that she had updated the red notebook blog. LIKE MAGIC (I kid you not), everything felt better. "When we're connected to others, we become better people" -- yet another of the many lessons I seem to have to learn over and over and over again. 





* I feel like I should confess that I only started watching Doctor Who last year, after I saw Neil Gaiman speak in New Hampshire, and I've only watched the episodes in the newer series that began in 2005. I feel like I should also state that I really, intensely dislike the current doctor. He just annoys the crap out of me. BUT, I think the stories in the episodes since he became doctor are probably the best in the newer series. Go figure.