Why birthdays are awesome

I had really intended to write a whole long thing about my birthday (mostly so I could post pictures and video for my friends who aren't on Facebook to see), but I got really sick after I got home from New York and things have just been crazy since. I will. Really, I will. (Just like I'll get around to washing the dishes, and cleaning the apartment, oh, and writing. Which is to say that I'll get to it, but please don't hold your breath....)

I know some people don't like celebrating birthdays. I wasn't sure how I was going to feel about 31. I mean, I'm officially "in my 30s" now. (All I have to say to that, two and a half weeks in, is "big whoop.") I like celebrating my birthday. This year, I finally realized why.

My birthday is the one time of year that I am able to drop all my other baggage (and, I have a lot of it) and just let people love me. I let them say nice things and show kindness and I don't deflect it or pretend not to hear. I just float in it. (Almost literally.) I wish I knew how to let that happen all the time...but I'm working on that (um, see blog title).

Work has been a bit nuts lately -- it's the time of year that our major federal reports are due, which means that I am trying to get our providers to clean up their data, I'm trying to get our reports in on time, and I'm troubleshooting 8 bajillion computer issues (many of which I shouldn't be sucked into) for myself and the other Ryan White grantees in the state. Oh, and we have site visits, too. (Site visits make me want to stab myself with the sharp pencils that bring me such joy.)

We had a site visit today at our largest provider (the one that used to employ me!), and when I got home (feeling like the life had been sucked out of me good and proper), there waiting was a belated birthday card from my friend Mary. On the envelope, she wrote: "It's blue! It's shiny! (It's late!)" I love Mary. She cracks me up. Inside the card, she wrote: "To a wonderful friend who never FsTBA!"

When I am especially moved by something, I put my hand over my heart. Most times, I don't even realize I'm doing it. (It's how you can tell I'm really passionate about something I'm saying -- if my hand is over my heart, you should never doubt the words coming out of my mouth.) I read that card, and I put my hand over my heart for a few long minutes.

And, that's not the only incredible card I got this birthday. Just before the big day, I got a card from my high school journalism teacher, Jackie. Outside, it read: "Today is all about you and your beautiful, caring soul..." and inside: "Today is all about how much you deserve to have every dream in your heart come true." The amazing thing about that is that I really kind of feel like every dream I had for my birthday weekend DID come true. (I mean, okay, I didn't suddenly win the lottery or get swept off my feet by some gorgeous geek who thinks I'm the coolest thing since mini ravioli, but still....)

So, here I am two and a half weeks post-birthday, and I'm just marveling at some of the things people have said and done for me recently. Not just related to my birthday, either.

I have this friend who has made a point of telling me I'm doing a good job remembering to be awesome quite a lot lately. (So much so that it unnerved me a little and I had to send an email asking what was up -- because I am a bit of a spaz and I picked my baggage up again immediately after my birthday....) The reply was simple:

I don't know, but I don't think there has to be a reason. Like you tend to remind me: life is short, so why hold back a compliment if you mean it? Besides, if you can say nice things about me, why can't I say them about you?
But here's a reason that's as good as any: You're my friend.

How do you argue with that?

(And, believe me, I like to argue.)

The thing is, even with all the crap in the world and at work right now, even though I'm still a bit of a mess (and am barred from making any major life decisions for a year), there is something about me that has managed to draw these incredible people into my life -- people who are good and kind and smart and funny and loving -- and keep them there.

Ten years ago, I had something I like to call a "big, scary freakout." That's what it was. At the end of it, I knew that I was okay when I saw Orion's Belt in the sky again. (There's a rather lengthy explanation about that in my undergrad thesis -- which was pretty much all about getting through the big, scary freakout.)

Last week, I was driving home from skating with my friend Kate and the sky was incredibly clear, and I saw Orion's Belt, and I just felt this overwhelming sense of peace and hope.

And, sometimes -- like when I get cards or emails like the ones mentioned above -- I feel like that, too. I feel loved. That is such an incredible thing, such an amazing gift to give someone.

So, tonight, I'm really grateful for that.