"Love is not leisure, it is work."

- Anna Quindlen, A Short Guide to a Happy Life

My friend Cruella says I'm the nicest person she's ever met in her entire life. A couple of weeks ago, we were hanging out and I was telling her about my birthday -- how I felt like every good and true thing I'd ever done was getting paid back to me in that 48 Hours of Awesome. She said something to the effect that it would not be possible for someone like me to have all that goodness paid back in one weekend. (She went on to say that we should mark down the day and time, because she'd just said something nice -- and meant it -- unsolicited.)

And, sure, that's nice to hear. It's not like I'm a saint, though. This mission to keep working on love isn't always easy. In fact, the last several days have been really hard. I'm short-tempered and unfocused and regularly feel like there's an elephant standing on my sternum. I'm not sleeping (like, right now -- I should most definitely be sleeping, since my alarm goes off in less than seven hours). I saw it coming a week ago, but then I had some good days (and an incredible skating outing) and thought things would be fine. It amazes me how things work under the surface -- even when you aren't noticing, you are. (It can't just be me, can it?)

And even now as I sit here exhausted (but not sleeping) and cranky and unfocused and sad and alone, I think about how my old supervisor (a social worker) used to talk about choices. When I would get cranky or take on too much, he'd say I chose to feel that way or accept too much or whatever. Drove me UP A WALL. I mean, I can see it to some degree. There's a line from a poem (Jane Hirshfield, I think) I've always remembered: "We become our choices." Sometimes it's as simple as making a choice to be happy or to move forward. But, sometimes, it doesn't matter what you choose. Sometimes, you just can't help how you feel.

I know that this will pass. (At the very least, I know I have AMAZING things planned for Saturday that will make me feel better.) And, I'm still committed to working on love and happiness and peace. But, it doesn't always come easy. That second word in the blog title -- working -- is really important.